Until recently, I lived in this box.
It is a logical, analytical, orderly place to live. It is organized and makes sense.
Life in there is mostly black and white, and decisions are therefore pretty easy.
Because the box is full of rules.
Yes or no.
Right or wrong.
A or B.
No "ands" inside the box, just either/or.
Not much emotion.
My world was extremely confined and I had no idea.
Recent events have catapulted me out of my box.
Things that haunt me.
Things that are nebulous.
Things that will never make sense to me.
Things I have to heal from.
Things that are devastating.
Things that my left brain simply cannot process.
THE RULES AREN'T WORKING.
It's uncomfortable out here, sometimes, but out I am.
There's a bit of room to get back in, because sometimes things need to be black and white.
Now I find myself living here.
Notice there are no corners.
No solid lines.
I am living on principles, not by rules.
Mostly, they coincide.
But sometimes, I have to break the rules to hold to my principles.
And this runs counter to everything that has ever made sense to me.
I cry. A lot.
I feel deeply.
There is little logic in emotion. Thus the need to get back in the box sometimes.
But the circle.
It is my right brain in action.
And I find that out here, A + B does not always equal C.
I'm discovering that the whole is bigger than the sum of its parts.
My life. My experiences. My passions. My suffering.
They cannot be contained by formulas, by rules, by "right or wrong" thinking.
And the big-ness of this is a little overwhelming.
And this new life I'm living is hard to contain with words.
In fact, I see that words are diminishing the very idea I am trying to convey.
But the "real me" is out here, and I'm finding there's a lot more to her than I thought there was.
My healthy friendships are deeper, but some have gone by the wayside.
Because some people don't recognize me now.
And I suspect I make them uncomfortable.
I don't fit inside their boxes anymore.
If I am to live real and true, the over-arching principles are hard to contain with words.
Scripture is a story so big that it must be taken as a whole.
To take out pieces, to make them rules, is to diminish the story.
The love story.
What God has for us, and what He asks of us, and why.
Truly those questions can only be answered by the big picture.
OF WHO HE IS.
The one who sings with joy over me.
The one who loves me as much as he loves Jesus.
Chew on that awhile.
That's not logical.
Pain doesn't make sense unless you can see the whole picture.
The story of redemption.
The understanding of the end of the story, even if the pages between now and then seem blank.
May each of my days be lived in the circle of His hands.
Until I find more words,